


For Me, It Was Instant

by RecIt_Ralph



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - British, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, British, Character Death, Hospitals, Love at First Sight, M/M, Medicine, Time Skips, but not Levi or Eren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 04:12:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10891455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RecIt_Ralph/pseuds/RecIt_Ralph
Summary: I asked my mum once, when she fell in love with Dad. It wasn't quick, she told me. It was slow, and she felt it in increments - like sinking into a hot bath, bit by bit until she was immersed in it - her love. It wasn't like that for me. For me, it was sudden and all-consuming, like getting hit by a freight train - literally and figuratively.





	For Me, It Was Instant

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Just as an FYI - the fic is based in England since that's where I'm from, but my sister informs me that the references could get quite confusing. I've made a sort of guide in the notes at the end for stuff that might be confusing! Hopefully I've covered everything. 
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy it!

I asked my mum once, when she fell in love with Dad. It wasn't quick, she told me. It was slow, and she felt it in increments - like sinking into a hot bath, bit by bit until she was immersed in it - her love. It wasn't like that for me. For me, it was sudden and all-consuming, like getting hit by a freight train - literally and figuratively. One moment I was walking the hallway of Saint Maria General Hospital looking for my dad and the next I had been rocked to the side by the sheer force of someone barrelling past. I had only to turn my head to the side to catch a look and that was it. I was glued to the floor, my breath lodged somewhere in my throat, my heart beating quick and erratic in my chest. Oh my god, I love him, I thought. My epiphany was not shared, if the muttered "brat" I heard as he rushed past me was any indication. 

\---

My dad's always been successful, he's always been proud in his success, too. And when I was a kid, that used to please me - how deeply his job and his life contented him. He used to take me to work with him sometimes, introduce me to his colleagues with pride. That all stopped when I started middle school though. He wanted me in that poncy private school but I bombed the admissions test and I guess that was okay, but then he started asking me for a direction in life and I just wanted to play football and mess around with my friends. What do you want to do in life, he'd ask me. Be a lawyer or a doctor, work in the City - those were the answers he wanted. I didn't want to give them. It got worse as I grew older, GCSEs were looming and I had to decide on A level subjects soon. He told me I had no direction, and maybe that was right. Armin said he was just projecting and that me and my dad, we were two very different people. Mikasa told me I was fine just as I was. In the end it was my mum and the way I saw her bottom lip quiver once, when me and my dad went at it about my future. That's why, later that night, I knocked on my dad's study and asked if it would be okay for me to try to get work experience at St Maria's.

It's why I'm here - standing outside his office, staring at the Dr Grisha Yeager written in block letters on the door. I had plans for Half Term - I was going to shadow Hannes down at the police station; clock out at 4pm because that's when he fobs off work to go down the pub for a pint (or 10). But this is better, I tell myself. Besides, Mikasa's here somewhere, too - she asked to work at the Hospital (probably to stay close to me) and Armin's at the affiliated university, shadowing some PhD lab geeks so I figure the week might not drag as much as it might have done if I was alone. Plus, I remind myself as if I'd forgotten, there's the added benefit of further sightings of the recently discovered love of my life. My heart squeezes at the thought. 

I stand outside his door another few minutes. The urge to bolt is strong, but I've always been a do-er rather than a thinker so before I can dwell for much longer, I've knocked. And when I hear my dad's deep voice beckoning for me to come in, I almost want to cry. 

I walk in to find my dad seated behind his desk, and on a chair seated opposite, his head twisted round, piercing grey eyes trained on me, none other than the object of my pubescent fancy. We kind of just stare at each other - I've forgotten every single word I've ever known and I'm kind of lost in the look of dawning realisation as it lights up his eyes from the inside. My dad says my name and I look up, 

"This is Levi" he tells me, "Levi's a final year medical student at Maria, doing clinical work with us. You'll be shadowing him during your week here". 

Levi. His name's Levi. I let that new tidbit of information fizzle and pop as it settles in my brain. This week has gone from looking ominously long, looming ahead of me for all eternity, to painfully short, in a heart beat. I listen to my dad thank Levi with half an ear, more focused on his back, and the way his shoulders are raised stiffly. I hear him murmur appropriately, "mhm", "yes Doctor", "no problem Dr Yeager", "will do". The meeting stretches on and my awkwardness with it; I've not moved from my spot right inside the door. When at last Levi gets up, he walks over to me and looks me in the eye. We're the same height and that surprises me - his presence seems so much larger. "Let's go" he tells me, and I turn to follow him, letting the door shut quietly behind me. 

\--

Levi hates me. That's all I can discern as I sit here in the nurse's station, surrounded by patient files with only a very vague understanding of how I'm meant to organise them. This is how it goes with us; I come in in the mornings and follow him around while he visits patients and takes histories. At 11 he takes a break, leaving me here where Nurse Petra takes pity on me and assigns me administrative work to do, such as organising the patient files I'm currently drowning in. At 1, I'll text Mikasa and we'll have a quick lunch, where I'll pick half heartedly at my soggy sandwich while she tells me about shadowing with Dr Zoe in the Radiology department. She'll sound bored but I know Mikasa and I can tell when she's enjoying herself. At 2 I'll return to the nurse's station where Levi will be tapping his foot impatiently, and then he'll say something like "come on, you little shit, you're late". And the rest of my afternoon will go much like my morning as I continue to feel like a true drain on NHS resources. 

I'm putting the patient files in the folders by date of admission, when a shadow falls over my work. I look up to see another medical student; far removed from the one I'm used to seeing. This one is smiling kindly at me, looking at me with pity, like you would if you saw a dog on a street corner, picking at scraps. 

"Hi Eren" he says. I didn't know he knew who I was. 

"Of course I know! You're Dr Yeager's son". I didn't realise I spoke aloud just then. "I'm Farlan" he tells me, holding his hand out. I shake it. We talk. He asks who's looking after me, "Levi" I tell him, and watch as the pity comes back. 

"Would you like to spend the afternoon with me?" He asks and I say yes. Levi doesn't want me around and he probably would appreciate an afternoon of relative peace, absent annoying teenagers. I thank Farlan, who tells me to meet him in Oncology when I'm done with lunch. 

So that's what I do. I get lunch with Mikasa, listen to her talk about Dr Zoe without much resentment, because for once, I'm kind of excited about this placement too. Mikasa leaves early, so I walk back slowly, taking the stairs at a snail's pace, up the two flights to Oncology. I see Farlan almost immediately and I make my cautious way over; he's at the bedside of a girl. She's young, too young for a hospital anyway. Not older than 14 for sure. She's wearing a red knit cap and I've seen enough Grey's Anatomy to guess what that's hiding. She seems happy though, smiling as she twists the stuffed toy horse in her hands. I wait until I'm within earshot before awkwardly clearing my throat. Farlan introduces me, "this is Eren, Izzy" he says. Izzy smiles, holds her hand out and I take it. It's warm, alive. I don't know what I expected. "I'm Isabel" she tells me. I feel a fierce bout of protectiveness wash over me. She's too young, I think, too horizontal, too alone. Connected to too many monitors. Farlan gets up to grab his list, he says. He's going to be right back. I stand uncomfortably to the side. 

"You wanna sit?" Isabel asks me. I nod, pulling up a chair. There's silence again because I don't know what to say. My brain is frustratingly empty but for the word 'cancer' swirling around in it. 

"It's okay" she says suddenly, "we can talk about it, if you want" and I feel ashamed that I was so transparent. I tell her I'm sorry but she waves my apology away. This is why she prefers animals, she says. "They don't hide how they feel". I'm uncomfortable with the guilt churning hotly inside me as silence falls again. She asks me what I'd like to know. I think for a second, looking her over as I do; her eyes are green, like mine. We could be related if it wasn't for my darker colouring. I'm dark where she's light, but our eyes are just the same. "What's your favourite colour?" I ask, because that's where my brain is going, and it's a nice thing to know about someone. She perks up, her teeth are a bit crooked, I notice, now that she's grinning slightly. It's cute. Endearing. I like her smile. Her favourite colour is red. Mine's yellow. I tell her how I first made friends with Armin just because his hair was so yellow. He's my best friend now. She laughs at that. I tell her about Mikasa too, and she tells me about her brother and Farlan. They've always been together, she says. Us three against the world. I stop myself from thinking how the world seems to be winning. I look at the clock and realise I've been played by Farlan; it's been an hour and he hasn't been back. I tell her my theory. 

"Farlan's like that" is her enigmatic reply, a small smile hanging about her lips. I leave when her doctor arrives. I wonder, as I get up, if I could visit her tomorrow but she beats me to the punchline - spookily reading my thoughts again. She asks me to come again and I'm smiling as I walk out. 

\--

I'm back. As soon as Levi disappears at 11, I wait by Petra's station for a couple minutes and then I'm on my way to Oncology. I'm taking the stairs two at a time. The only problem is what I discover when I get to Izzy's bedside. Or rather, who I discover. The eyes boring into mine look a bit angry, if I'm honest. He doesn't shout, but his calm and measured tone is dripping in disdain. He accuses me of following him. He tells me he never asked to be a glorified babysitter. He tells me that just because my dad is a St Maria big wig, doesn't make me royalty and doesn't make him my slave. I listen with my mouth hanging open, and only snap my jaw closed when Izzy's lilting voice turns stern. "Brother, behave please. Eren is my new friend". 

My stomach drops. Levi is her brother? This is why he drops everything at 11? For a moment I'm pleased that his disappearance isn't to do with me, that I'm not such a drain that he needs physical distance half way into the morning every day. But then I'm sad, because this also means that Levi's got a little sister with cancer, who may be dying - although I don't know that - I've never asked. 

"Sit, brat" Levi says, the anger all but gone. "I won't bite. If this little monster likes you, I'll play nice" Isabel thanks him and I sit down. I'm blushing and I never blush. Conversation doesn't flow between me and Izzy like it did yesterday, I'm too nervous around Levi. But I don't mind because I'm content just watching the subtle transformation that comes over him. He doesn't smile, but his eyes soften and his lips quirk ever so slightly up. He ruffles her head over the knit cap a lot, sometimes yanking on the strings, sometimes he cuffs her lightly on the cheek. He looks beautiful. That heart squeeze I'm getting used to happens. Izzy rights her red cap, where Levi's ministrations have dislodged it. I'm reminded of the present in my bag. I unzip it and am disappointed to see that despite my careful handling, the roses have suffered a bit on their journey. I pull out the small vase first - it's not really much. I sawed off the top of a water bottle and doodled on it with sharpie. Wrote ISABEL all along the side in big block letters. Art has never been a strength of mine. I fill it with water from the water jug on her side table, before carefully pulling out the two (sort of crushed) roses I'd bought. She looks happy but also a bit confused. I tell her it's because red's her favourite colour. I promise to bring better ones, nicer ones. A pretty, real vase too, once I get my pocket money. She smiles and says that they're perfect just as they are. 

I look up and Levi's looking at me with the same soft look he gives Izzy. It goes quickly when he sees I've caught him though. I blush so hard I can feel heat radiate off my skin. 

\--

My week finishes and I go back to school. But it feels different. I visit Izzy every Friday after football practice. Levi's there sometimes, Farlan too, but mostly it's just us. I bought a little vase, shaped like a horse's head so that the flowers go inside the mouth. I bring other things too; sweets, books, colouring pencils. I always bring roses. I find myself storing stories from home or school or football away, to tell Izzy later. 

I still haven't decided on my A' levels and I need to do that soon, my form tutor is on my arse about it. I'm thinking about PE, because I do really like football. I spend Easter in Egypt with my mum's family. All my cousins want to be bankers, so they tell me I should think about Maths and Economics. My mum wants me to be a doctor like my dad. Mikasa's taken with medicine, so she can follow dad, I tell her. Armin just wants to know everything - he's been flip flopping between university courses since we were 10. 

I haven't seen Izzy in 3 weeks. I'm excited to tell her about the pyramids; I've taken loads of pictures on my phone for her, and I've bought a little figurine too - so she can have it by her side. I take the familiar route and I don't stop until I'm standing opposite an empty bed. My heart stops. I grab a nurse as she walks past. Where's Isabel? This. This right here - it's her bed. Where is she? The nurse looks at me kindly and my throat closes up. Come with me she says and I'm crying now. I'm crying and I'm fighting. I can tell I'm being difficult but I also can't stop. I see Farlan - I break away and rush towards him, grabbing onto the front of his scrubs. Where the hell is she? His eyes well up. 

Izzy died on Good Friday. I saw her 10 days before and she was fine, but I don't know how these things work. No one told me. Levi should've told me. I'm angry with him. I go back the next day just to find him. I see him across the floor and I shout. I tell him I hate him but he just walks away. I run after him and when I'm caught up I'm lost. He looks grief stricken. He's hurting. My heart hurts for me and it hurts for him. I don't hate him. "Where is she buried?" I ask. "Please take me there".

I leave a red rose on her grave, 'Here lies Isabel Magnolia, may she rest in peace'. I cry great big tears that are shaking my entire body, while Levi stands behind me - grieving silently, as is his way. When the tears dry up, I turn back around, 

"Why did she love red?" I ask him. 

"It was the colour of her hair". I cry some more. 

"I'm going to pick sciences, you know." I tell him later, as we walk out of the graveyard. "I'm going to become a paediatric oncologist. For her." I walk away. I love him, and I don't hate him. But I'm still angry. 

\---

I get into a pretty rough fight in the February of Year 12. Armin brings me to A&E and he's pretty pissed off. He tells me I'm not supposed to fight his battles but I disagree. He's doing his A levels at that poncy private school I wasn't good enough for and it's been really good for him so far. He's there on a full scholarship so he doesn't have to worry about how his granddad will afford it. And everyone is more Armin-like than in my school. The only problem is that while I'm happy for him, there are bullies in our neighbourhood who think this is added ammunition to terrorise him. And Armin's really fucking passive, always has been. When we were little, he used to get bullied all the time - we (mostly Mikasa) were constantly en guard to protect him. We grew up and it became less of an issue but that protectiveness obviously never went away. 

So he's angry at me, for rushing to his defence and clobbering the Neanderthal that was about to land a punch right on his stupid, passive face. And it was definitely a not-very-well-thought-out move because his tormentor was maybe twice my size, and I'm not scrawny so go figure. Explains why I'm here right now, with a split lip, black eye and a searing pain in my arm from when I landed on it funny after the bully swung me about a bit and threw me on the ground like a rag doll. Mum's going to be livid with me, I know. So is Mikasa - but she's at a hockey match against Sina today, won't be back until Monday, so that gives me a solid day and a half to prepare her. 

Armin's still lecturing me, but I've stopped paying attention. Something about two injured bodies being a worse outcome than one, as if justice is a Maths problem. My head's really hurting. I think he clocks my periodic winces and shuts up, giving the hand on my good side a squeeze and whispering a quiet thank you. I laugh and it hurts. I didn't do anything I tell him, even though I'm kind of indecipherable with the swollen lip in the way. We wait for hours and the pain is going nowhere - although, I'm beginning to grow accustomed to it. By the third hour I've forgotten what it feels like to not be in pain, so I count that as a win. The waiting room thins as all manner of injured and ill get taken through and it's kind of weird because sometimes I think "hey this guy came after me" but then, this isn't like cutting a queue at Sainsbury's you know - he's also got a bloody t shirt wrapped around his hand so maybe that's fair. A nurse calls my name and I rush through, only to have her document my problems and send me back outside. Now I have a busted lip, a black eye, potentially fractured arm and trust issues, so that's a win too. I had bigger plans for my Saturday afternoon than this. 

After a 5 hour wait, I'm shaken awake by Armin, who tells me my name's just been called. And this is good to know - after five hours of perpetual pain, your brain will get so used to it that you can even take a nap. In fact, when I get up, it's more the ache in my back from the chairs I'm unhappy about than the rest of me. I follow the nurse distrustfully, expecting her to mess me up again. She takes me round a corner into a broad room divided into several segments, separated by blue curtains. She takes me into one, and it's empty, a desk against the wall with a PC on it and a chair behind it, one chair on the other side. She tells me to take a seat and wait and then disappears again. I'm very good at sitting and waiting by this point, even if I feel kind of stupid facing the wall. My left eye is pretty much completely shut closed though, so I probably wouldn't have much of a visual either way. 

"I thought I was shot of you, you little shit" and I die. I turn around to see Levi standing at the 'door' to my little curtain enclosure. He looks good, I can tell that much with just one working eye. I feel the familiar squeeze in my chest. Levi! I croak out, as he approaches me. He touches under my eye gently. What happened to you he asks. Got into a fight, I tell him. It's a hundred percent true, after all. Aside from brief moment of recognition right at the start, the rest of my examination is painfully professional. He twists my arm this way and that, shines a light in my eye and cleans out my lip, writes me a prescription for anti-inflammatory ointments and meds, and then sends me off to get an X-ray. He says I've probably fractured my arm. I turn to leave, 

"Yeager"

"Yeah?"

"Not all fights are yours to fight, you know? No need to be some sort of warrior for the weak all the damned time."

I don't get that. I tell him so. Armin's mine, so his fight is mine. If someone tries shit with Levi, I'd get another black eye, zero regrets. I say that out loud, I realise. His eyebrows are in his fringe. I'm blushing, so I just scurry out of there quickly. I forget to congratulate him for graduating and becoming a fully fledged doctor. But I'll probably see him again, I can feel it. 

\---

Again doesn't come until a year later. I wake up to a dark ward, groggy from the anaesthetic. My brain feels fuzzy and there's a dull ache all down my side that's progressively getting worse. I take stock of the situation and run through what got me here; I had an operation today, or maybe yesterday? I don't know how long I've been knocked out. My throat feels scratchy, so I turn my head to the side; maybe there's water on the side table. I think I'm hallucinating because it looks like Levi is sitting next to my bedside, reading a magazine. I try to say his name but my throat really is so fucking dry. I make some semblance of noise though, because it gets his attention. 

"Finally" he whispers "you sleep like the dead, brat". 

It's funny to me that even in my head Levi doesn't use my name. I want to ask this illusion to give me water but however vivid he may seem, hallucinations still can't fetch you things - I know that. His lips quirk up, and I swoon. I'm not a hallucination idiot, here. He hands me a glass of water and I try to take it off him. The wires on my chest and the finger clip are making it a bit awkward though, so he has to hold the glass up to me while I drink from a straw like a child. He's definitely real. 

"Whose honour were you defending this time?" He asks. 

It takes my brain a second to decipher what the question means. I'm tired and I think I could probably go back to sleep if I wanted. No ones, I tell him truthfully. It was a football accident, a couple of weeks ago. His pager starts to beep, so I turn my head to the other side and close my eyes. I'm happy he's here. He didn't need to be. 

I wake up the second time, to my mum fussing with my pillows. I try to swat her away but I'm still a bit lethargic although I feel a lot more awake than before. I wonder if it was my imagination but I see the glass with the straw and the magazine sitting next to it and I know it was real. The thought excites me. I get other visitors; my dad comes to say hi, Mikasa and Armin come in after school with a pile of books and I groan. Exams start in two months and I'm bedridden in a hospital. Farlan says I could be good to go in less than a fortnight's time, depending on the level of movement I have by then (he's the doctor doing rounds, I don't forget to congratulate him). But even if I can focus my body into achieving that, I'm still not going to be ready for school so I'm really fucking scared about exams. 

"It's okay, I'll come in after school and we can revise together" this is Mikasa's idea, and I'm grateful but I know she won't be able to get much done in a hospital. I don't have a choice, but she does and I'm not that selfish. Besides, she's at school and I'm so bored in the hospital ward, it's unbelievable. Mum visits the most but even she has a life, so there are literally days where the only people I see are doctors and nurses. 

\-- 

I'm sitting up in bed, with my Biology notes open in front of me, trying to figure out why I've written 'Remember about phagocytes' in the margin, when a stationary avalanche hits my bed. I look up from the unopened box of Ryman's cue cards and the highlighter kit, to see Levi standing over my bed looking supremely bored. What's this? 

"This is you passing your A levels" he replies. 

Okay. But how? 

"You're fucking exhausting all the time, you little shit. And your moping is making this already pretty depressing place even worse, so I'm going to help you revise."

I think I just stare at him forever. I want to say something but the mixture of confusion and gratitude has rendered me kind of mute. So in the end, all I say is "okay" but I might as well not have bothered because Levi is unpacking the cue cards and pulling my Biology textbook towards himself. 

\--

Subsequent days, Levi spends a lot of time at my bedside. He grills me on Chemistry and Biology and checks my C4 mocks over while I start on the next one. He's working, so sometimes his pager will go off and he'll disappear but I don't mind that much. I feel like I'm making progress and that maybe I'll be okay. Mikasa quizzes me after school sometimes and even she thinks I'm ahead of where I would've been had I not got injured. I'm able to hobble to the toilet myself now; with crutches obviously but it's still better than nothing. Farlan came by earlier and told me today was Levi's day off, so I've just tried to keep myself going without his presence. When Petra came to check my meds, I asked her to grill me on human anatomy but it wasn't the same; she's nice, and I think she likes me. She's nothing like Levi; who seems bored until I get something tricky right and then he'll briefly show pride before he's back to being bored. She doesn't call me names or tell me I'm stupid and who knew that was conducive to learning, anyway? I'm not getting anywhere with this today, I think. I rest the textbook open on my chest and lean my head back. Maybe I'll just nap. 

"Fucking piece of shit slacker - I don't know why I bother..."

My eyes fly open, and I get up so quickly the textbook falls over the edge of the bed. Levi's in civvies today, which makes sense since it's his day off. He's wearing a white button down over black jeans, his hair looks damp like he's just had a shower. Or maybe it's raining outside, even though I can't hear it. It's funny - I guess I've known him over two years but I don't think I've ever seen him wearing anything but scrubs. I've always thought him handsome, but I think right now, he's almost pretty. What is he doing here?

"Told you I'd help you revise, didn't I?"

I'm feeling really happy all of a sudden. This must mean he cares - he didn't have to come in on his rare day off, but he did it anyway. He starts grilling me on the brain and I'm trying to stop my grin from bursting through, but it's really fucking hard. 

\--

When did I get taller than him, I'm wondering, as he helps me walk from the bathroom to the bed. I can pretty much do it on my own now, but it's handy having him around. His hand is warm on my elbow and I don't want it to let go. I'm getting discharged in half an hour and I'm really happy to be outside and to sleep in my own bed, but I'm really sad to see the back of Levi. We sit on the edge of my bed, while I wait for my dad to come get me. His hand is resting on the bed next to mine and I really want to put mine over it. I wonder how he'll react? 

"I love you" he doesn't look surprised. 

"You're a kid."

I'm not. I'm turning 18 next week. I tell him that, even though it probably doesn't change anything. 

"I'm leaving, end of the summer". 

"I know. Me too". 

He gives my hand a squeeze. 

"Bye, brat"

Just like that he's gone. And this time, I don't get that feeling I got last time - that feeling that I'll see him again. But still, when a week later, there's an unsigned card in the post, with a set of wings on the front; I know who it's from. 

I cry when I log in to my applications and see my offer has been met. I want to take a picture of my result and send it to Levi; 1A*, 2As. But I don't, because for some reason I think I'm not supposed to. I think of him all summer, then after as I'm packing my bags for university. I think about him during the drive to London. I think about him constantly during fresher's week, but a little bit less during the rest of the first term. He ends up in my thoughts occasionally, and in those moments it kind of feels like he never left, but otherwise, I almost forget about my tragic love for Levi Ackerman. 

\--

I've been dating this guy for about 6 months when I decide to bring him home to meet my parents. Jean - he's smart and he's good to look at and I spent a good long while hating him and his cocky attitude but then I got to know him and everything shifted a little bit. Jean and I are fundamentally very different people - he's studying Engineering but he wants to work in the City because that's where the money's at. I get exasperated with him for being selfish sometimes, and he gets exasperated with my overzealous righteousness. Everyone gets exasperated with that, to be fair, but Jean especially. It's because deep down, he's a great fucking guy, and if I push then that side of him comes out and he doesn't want that. 

The first time he told me he loved me, it was because he was angry at me; "Eren I love you but this shit is prematurely ageing me" as he put a plaster over my eye from the retaliatory hit I received when I decided to deck someone in the SU for drunkenly pawing at our server. We kind of just stared at each other until Jean looked away, blushing like a bride. I yanked him back with my hand on his chin and kissed him to within an inch of his life. "I love you too, you idiot." And if I thought of Levi briefly in that moment, I figure who needs to know. 

"What if they don't like me?" Jean is asking now, his hands carding restlessly through his hair so that it's standing up all over the place. I push the arm rest between us all the way up, and turn towards him, stopping his hands with mine. I look at him really closely; he looks nervous. He was fine most of the journey down from London but the closer we get, the edgier he becomes. I pat his hair down gently, and then hold his face between my palms. 

"If they don't like you, then they'll learn to. Like I did"

"That's really fucking reassuring Yeager, you giant arse." 

I grin, lean in and give him a kiss, then lean back in my seat. Besides, it's really not my parents he needs to worry about. Mikasa's going to skin him. I've got my eyes closed but I can still somehow almost see his fingers fidgeting on his lap. I reach over and take a hold of them and we spend the rest of the train journey with our hands locked together. 

\--

He needn't have worried, I'm thinking, as my dad takes Jean into his study to show him something or other I would never be interested in. Chez Yeager have been instantly charmed; except of course Mikasa who would be distrustful if I brought Mother Theresa home probably. But even she's not standoffish because she doesn't like him - she just wants to be sure about him. I'm pleased all round with the outcome. Jean shoots me a pleading look as he leaves the room tailing my dad except I've never been in the position he's in, so I don't really know how to get out of it. 

"He's nice" my mum tells me as I help set the table for dinner. Yeah, he is. "I'm glad you're finally dating" which is not very well concealed code for "I'm glad you've finally moved on". Mum is smart and she doesn't know about Levi per se but she'd kind of just assumed there was someone at school who I fancied who didn't fancy me back. I'm lucky, I guess, that when I finally ended my self imposed relationship exile, a decent guy like Jean was available. "I mean, by 2nd year of university, I'd left a string of broken hearts in my wake and here you are stretching your legs in your first relationship" my mum is teasing me now. I chuck a tea towel at her in retaliation and she's just balled it up to throw it back at me when the doorbell rings. That'll be Dad's friend - he said he'd invited a colleague for dinner since it was Easter and they hadn't had any plans. 

I head over to the door and pull it open, a vague hello on my lips that dies before it can come out. Levi is standing on our doorstep and I'm just frozen in place. He's wearing his usual; white button down, black jeans, paired with a black blazer, holding a bottle of wine to his chest like a shield. His skin is darker, like he's been on holiday. He looks the same and yet completely different. I think it's probably my eyes that are seeing him differently. 

"Going to let me in, brat?" 

I almost cry at hearing the rasp of his voice. Oh god, why is this happening? I move aside, allowing him to walk through - finding my voice just as he's come inside. 

"I thought you left"

"I did. I'm doing locum work at Maria over Easter. Pays well. Your dad invited me, I didn't know you'd be here, I'm sorry" 

"No, it's fine! Don't worry" 

My mum walks in and greets Levi; she's warm and friendly and he doesn't know what to do with it because Levi - he's probably just as cutthroat as Mum is on the inside, but where she's soft and open, he's all hard edges and closed off. Still, he's going to love her by the end of tonight because with my mum, there's really no other reaction. I see my dad and Jean come in and I storm past because I don't want to introduce Jean to Levi. "Bathroom" I mumble as I walk past Jean and I don't come back until I'm sure the party has moved to the living room and all introductions are done and dusted. 

\--

My evening's gone to absolute shit. With Levi sitting opposite me, I'm painfully aware of Jean's hand on my knee, or the way he picked the mushrooms from my plate earlier. How he is so close all the time; too close. Levi notices everything; his sharp gaze traveling over everyone at the table, not missing anything. It's not what you think I want to tell him except that it absolutely is. The food tastes like ash in my mouth and I can barely follow the conversation. Mikasa on my left has her hand on my other knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. She's the only one who has any idea about what I might be going through; one of few people who know about what Levi has always meant to me. Earlier, when I ran from the door, I bumped into her outside my room. 

"Did you know?!?" I'd asked her, "did you know Dad'd colleague coming for dinner was Levi?!" And her eyes had widened and I knew she was as clueless as I was. She'd given me a fierce hug and I'd almost cried. 

Levi is a very polite guest; he compliments Mum on her cooking, helps clear plates between courses, offers to pour wine for everyone when he starts to pour some for himself. I’m surprised by this, even though, realistically, it’s hardly likely that he goes around calling everyone a ‘little shit’ like he does with me. Or used to, anyway.  
   
The other thing that surprises me is his conversation. I realise I probably wasn’t interesting enough for him because the longest we ever spoke was when he was helping me revise. Took him a solid hour to teach me the laws of imaginary numbers (knowledge I have not needed since). At first he’s reticent and vague, giving short answers that aren’t really answers at all, but unlucky for him, my dad is a dogged individual and is the king of prodding, so eventually Levi just capitulates. He talks about his year working for Medecins Sans Frontieres in Chad, about coming home for a break and doing locum work until his next assignment. Mum asks why Chad and I learn that Levi speaks French. I realise I know next to nothing about him but it makes me angry that everything I’m learning, I like. I need to dislike him and his stories are frustratingly light in the kicking puppies department.  
   
The conversation moves on to summer plans and Jean talks a bit about his internship at J P Morgan over the summer. Mum asks him lots of questions about it because she used to work in the City briefly before she had me and my parents moved out here. Jean’s not even started the job yet, and has happily forgotten all he’d crammed for interviews so it’s kind of funny to see him get flustered and stumble over his words. Or it would have been if I wasn’t so on edge. I bail him out anyway, by talking about my and Mikasa’s summer plans to volunteer in healthcare clinics in refugee camps around Europe. We haven’t heard back yet though, so there’s not much more to say on that. We want to get placed together but obviously we don’t really have a choice there, so it’s been a lot of back and forth and I’m pretty sure our universities hate us now. Levi looks like he approves but I don’t know if that’s true or I’m just seeing what I want to see. I wonder if I’m still a kid to him – I’m turning 20 this year and I had that late growth spurt so I think I’m a full three inches taller than him now. I’m trying to look at him without giving myself away; at his amazing bone structure and his eyes that are constantly at half mast. Maybe he looks older and a bit wearier – wrinkles on the corners of his eyes and the furrow in his brow more pronounced than I remember it. It upsets me that life has left such visible signs of wear on him and I get the urge to protect, take his troubles away. Mikasa pinches my arm and when I turn to her in annoyance she tells me I’m staring. I look down at my lap. Mum gets up to prepare dessert and I follow her. Jean doesn’t look at me as I’m leaving his side and I wonder if maybe he noticed the staring too.  
   
Levi leaves right after dessert. My dad invites him for a nightcap but he says he has an early start tomorrow, so he’s gone with an expansive ‘bye’ for the room and a hug from my mum. He tenses up to start but eases up almost instantly. Mum’s hugs are the best, so his reaction is completely understandable.

\--  
   
I hoped him leaving would cure me of whatever Levi-induced head trauma I was suffering from but I hoped in vain. I’m watching telly from the sofa, Jean leaning on the arm, his legs over my lap. Mikasa is sitting on a floor cushion with her notes open in front of her, half-heartedly highlighting things. My parents are already tucked in and fast asleep. It’s the picture of contentment and yet all I feel is restless. I can’t concentrate on the film, Jean’s legs feel like they’re pinning me down, everything feels simultaneously too loud and too silent. I get up and feign tiredness. I say I’m going to bed and thank God that my parents are too British to let Jean bunk with me, because I would really rather be alone right now. Except, that’s a lie – because I’d really rather not be alone, but the person I’d rather be with, is not an option for me.  
   
\--  
   
I haven’t slept much. I stayed awake most of the night, falling into a restless sleep somewhere around 3am but I’m awake again and it’s not even 5. I know I won’t be able to nod off again, so I figure I’ll just start my day early. I get ready and tip toe down the stairs, walking past Jean snoring lightly on the sofa-bed. I feel a burst of affection followed by a pang of guilt as I watch him. I grab a rose from Mum’s centre piece, pull the keys from Dad’s jacket and head outside as quietly as I can. There’s almost no traffic on the roads this early in the morning and I’m at the graveyard barely after 5. I park the car in the empty carpark and walk down the familiar path to Izzy’s grave – stopping in my tracks when I see I’m not alone. God truly is in an unkind mood this Easter, I’m thinking, staring at Levi’s back and willing it to disappear from my vision. His shoulders are raised up, so I know he knows I’m here. Maybe he heard my car pull-in, or saw me earlier when I wasn’t looking. Maybe he just senses my presence, or maybe he’s just constantly on edge, I don’t know.  
   
“Hi” I say, when I’m shoulder to shoulder, or rather shoulder-to-head, with him.  
   
“Hi” he replies, predictably unphased.

I put the rose on the base of the gravestone, patting the top of it awkwardly as I back away, I don't know why. I'm self conscious and don't know what to do. Normally I just talk to her, like we used to do when she was alive. About mundane things that took on new importance when I told Izzy because she had questions to ask and opinions to share. But then, I've talked to her in Levi's presence before, I think. I come to a decision, 

“Izzy, I’ve been seeing far too much of your brother lately, do you know?” I say,  
   
This time, I’ve surprised him for sure. His shoulders relax, and I don’t look but I almost hear a small huff of laughter.  
   
“I hope you haven’t been… um… getting too lonely – I… uh.. I know I’ve not visited in a while, but university was a real shock to the system you know”, it’s awkward, the way I’m talking, but I push through it and eventually the words are flowing as they normally do, and Levi’s presence next to me isn’t so much grating, as comforting. “It’s a lot harder than school. I’ve made a few friends, and I think you’d like them.”  
   
“I’m surprised you’ve made it this far, frankly – given the distinct ineptitude I observed trying to tutor you.” Levi says and it’s rude and mean but I love that he said it. I laugh.  
   
“I don’t know how you two are related, honestly” I say, facing the grave still. The earth is damp with dew, but I sit down anyway. Start relaying information about my year, talking for her, but also for Levi because I want him to know I’m doing okay. I hope he can tell I’m grateful for his help. I’ve exhausted my conversation about five minutes later so I just lean in really close and tell her I miss her, before turning around and walking away, towards my car, so Levi can say his goodbyes. I wait for him in the carpark, and I don’t know why I think he’s going to go that way but I do. I’m leaning against the side of the car waiting and then a minute later he’s there, leaning on the car beside me and we just stand there, silent.  
   
“We’re not related” he says suddenly.  
   
“Who isn’t?” I’m confused.  
   
“Izzy and I. We’re not related. I went into the social system when I was 9 or 10. I was fostered by a nice enough family in the end – me and Farlan, together; we understood the arrangement, they kept us looked after and got benefits for their troubles. Isabel came along when I was 15, she was 5 and she just decided that I was her brother and it kind of went from there. She was a right pain in the arse”  
   
I let out a wet laugh at that. I’m shaken up. And I’m heartbroken for Levi and for Farlan and for Izzy. I think of my childhood, complaining about my parents caring too much and compare it to Levi and I feel like the little shit he’s always telling me I am.  
   
“I’m sorry”, I say, because I don’t know what else there is. “Thank you for telling me”.  
   
He waves off the sympathy and the gratitude, “you wondered why we’re nothing alike, I told you. It’s nothing deeper than that, brat. I’ll… I’ll see you around, I guess”.  
   
With that he pushes off the side of the car and starts walking off, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his body huddled into itself.  
   
“Bye” I whisper, but he’s already gone and I see the word get picked apart by the April wind, never reaching him. I get in the car and drive off, my heart bursting with love and my brain crawling with anxiety.

\--

I see a picture on Petra’s Instagram, of her in the foreground, a tall, good looking blonde guy in the background with expressive eyebrows and Levi’s distinct undercut visible as he burrows his head into the blonde guy’s chest. Petra’s caption is ‘third-wheeling with these two #threesacrowd #sorrynotsorry’. I have a very dramatic reaction; my stomach drops, my palms get sweaty, my eyes prickle with tears. I drop my phone like it’s physically burned me and I skip classes for the day. 

Jean drops by in the evening, to hand over a few of my things that collected in his flat over the 8 months we were together, and to grab his shit from my place. I open the door and he takes one look at me and drops the box, rushing to my side. He thinks someone's died because I look like such a wreck. The sympathy makes me cry all over again, and he folds me into his arms. 

"I can't believe this" he says later 

"What?" I sniffle. 

"I can't believe I'm sitting here consoling you about the bloke you left me for" and this makes me cry all over again because it makes me realise the futility of my love and how shit I am simultaneously. 

"I'm sorry" I tell him. I've apologised to him a hundred different ways since the break up, which in itself was over 3 months ago. Jean's not even that cut up about it anymore, he met someone during his internship over the summer, a month after we broke up and they recently went official. 

"It's okay, Eren. I mean, Marco's a much better boyfriend than you ever were"

"Shut up, Horseface". 

I'm feeling better. It's not like Levi ever belonged to me, he's allowed to date people who aren't me. Just because I can't get over him, doesn't mean he has to love me back. I tell myself this repeatedly; after Jean leaves, in the shower, getting ready for bed, during lectures the next day. I tell myself until I'm almost convinced I believe it. 

\---

It's 4th year when everything truly goes tits up. I get a call from my mum and she tells me I should come home the following weekend, because there's something she and my dad want to tell me. I think maybe they're getting divorced and I think about how it might get difficult for me during the holidays. On the train over, me and Mikasa decide to split up for Christmas and Easter so neither of them are ever alone. We get home and they sit us down and tell us what I never wanted to hear. Mum's sick. She's very sick. But she's going to fight it and she doesn't want us to worry, as if that's an option. I email the university to tell them I'm taking time off for family. I get extenuating circumstances signed off, as if this is some normal thing that has a process. The careers department send me an email with options for what I can do with my Biomedical Sciences degree. I read it as I wait for Mum during one of her chemotherapy sessions and it reminds me of how she looked at my graduation. She told me she was the proudest mum in the world and I told her to wait until I graduate from medical school. I feel ill so I lock my phone and put it on the table, face down. 

The chemo makes her sick; she stops eating properly, she gets tired easily and she's losing hair at an alarming pace. She's strong through all of it, if anything it's me and Dad who end up being weak. The house is a mess, but we try to keep things in order for her sake, even as we're slowly falling apart. I watch my beautiful mother slowly disappear and I feel so helpless. Mum can't take stairs anymore so Mikasa moves in with me and Mum takes her bedroom. We've got used to staying up for hours, thinking of how our world is ending. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we even cry in each other's arms - or I cry in Mikasa's arms. She releases her frustrations at the gym, disappearing for hours each day and only coming home when she's on the brink of collapse. I don't have a good coping technique and that's why I end up just being really fucking angry all the time. 

In the end her suffering is short because six months later, Mum's left us. I don't speak at the funeral, because I don't think I can. But that's okay, because so many people do. There wasn't a single person in our entire neighbourhood who didn't love Carla Yeager. Mikasa speaks after my dad, and she talks about the first time she met Mum, when she first came to live with us when we were 8. She says how Mum told her that she never wanted to take Mikasa's mother's place and she would be exactly who Mikasa needed her to be, but if anyone asked her - she had two kids, not one. When her speech ends, there's not a dry eye in the house. Mikasa ends it with "I will never forget you" and even though the delivery is quiet and subdued and even though I've yet to see Mikasa shed a single tear, I know that inside, she is wrecked. 

\--

I drop out of university after Mum's passing - I see no point anymore. All I can picture, when I think of the career I'd chosen for myself, is the scores of doctors that came and went and did naff all for my mother. How they pumped her full of meds that kept her awake but made her tired, that caused her hair to fall off and her body to wither away, and still she died anyway. I think about how useless the entire fucking thing was and I wonder what the point is. Izzy died, Mum's gone; what is there for me to do in Medicine? I finally crack open that email from the careers department and fire a few applications. MU have a vacancy for a lab technician in the Chemistry department and I'm overqualified but not beyond consideration. I apply and I'm accepted. They give me accommodation in student housing and I move out. Mikasa has gone back to university and she told me to do the same but I just told her to fuck off. She visits way more than she should and I don't offer up an inch and I know I'm being difficult but I can't seem to bring myself to stop. I never take my dad's calls. Armin is better, he texts me every day to tell me he's thinking about me, he reminds me to eat and to take care of myself but he never imposes. I'm grateful for his tact. 

My days are monotonous and that's how I like them. I wake up, eat a bowl of weetabix and then walk the short walk to the Chemistry building where all I have to do is clean the instruments and lay them out for the first labs of the morning. Then I just sit and wait for people to clear out to sort the stuff out for the next session and so it goes. Every day isn't the same but every week is and I'm completely fine with that. During my lunch breaks I walk to the graveyard and leave fresh flowers for Mum and for Izzy. I do forget to eat sometimes but I don't notice it. I go to my room in the evenings and have canned soup with bread or sometimes with crackers, before lying in bed, willing sleep to come to me. Rinse and repeat. I've trained my brain in this routine to stay quiet. That way I don't dwell on the things that have lead me to this juncture. That way I'm not always angry. But sometimes I fail and there are days where I call in sick and all I do is sit in my room and cry. Or throw things against the wall. Or punch the wall until my hand bleeds. There are noise complaints and I don't make enough money to afford rent on my own and I'm not fit to be living with someone, so I try to be quieter on my Rage Days. 

\--

I wake up smiling from a dream of Mum and I try so hard to go back to sleep that I inadvertently chase the drowsiness away. I'm livid with myself and suddenly my dark room with it's bare walls seems too empty and too cloying. The sheets feel confining so I push them off me, trying to fight the claustrophobic feeling rising up in my throat. I turn the lamp on my bedside on. The light is calming but I'm still feeling trapped. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I pick up my phone and scroll through the contacts - stopping when I reach my dad. My finger hovers over the call button. I put the phone down. It's late. I'll probably wake him, and I don't want that. Maybe I should try to get back to sleep. I turn over in bed, turning the light back off and lie there in the dark with my eyes open. I grab my phone again and unlock it, I call my dad. Four rings. And then,

"Eren?" His booming voice is hushed, he's whispering. He sounds groggy from sleep. 

"I didn't think you'd pick up."

"Of course I picked up. I'll always pick up! Why aren't you asleep?"

"I woke up from a dream."

"A bad one?"

"A good one. I dreamt of Mum"

"Oh, Eren". 

"Can you stay on the phone until I fall asleep?"

"Sure. Do you want to talk?"

"No, just like this is fine." I tell him. 

His breathing soothes my frazzled brain and I feel drowsiness come over me again. 

"Love you" I say just before I fall asleep. 

\--

It's a pretty average Monday evening and I'm walking back from work only to discover Levi waiting outside my building. I contemplate running in the opposite direction. I don't. I walk towards him, pulling the key fob from my jacket pocket. 

"What are you doing here?" I ask him, unlocking the door. 

"Your dad called me". 

I don't even know where to begin with that. Does he even know about Mum? I don't say anything as I lead us to my room. I'm conscious of how bare it is, how messy and cold. I don't care enough to make it home, home died with Mum as far as I'm concerned. I pull a few shirts from on top of the only chair, throwing them in the laundry corner as I sit on the bed. Levi perches on the edge of the chair, looking around with his nose turned up. I have vague memories of his lack of tolerance for messiness and dirt. Well, I didn't invite him to visit me, so he can curl his lip and scrunch his nose all he fucking wants. 

"I'm sorry about Carla" he says, sincerely. "She was an amazing woman"

"Thanks." My tone is flat. It's unwelcoming. I don't need a babysitter and I have never dealt well with condolences. People telling me how amazing my mother was only reminds me even more acutely of her absence. 

There's silence again. 

"Why are you here?" I ask him again. 

"Your dad thinks I have some influence over you, so he told me to give you a call. I was coming down anyway so thought I'd come visit. If you want me to go, I'll go."

I don't know if I want him to go. I've been feeling discontented with my isolation for a couple of weeks but I'm too proud to admit it. I speak to Mikasa overlong, and I've called my dad a few more times since our conversation a couple of months ago. I don't have guests often, I don't have anything to offer him. I tell him that much but he tells me not to worry. 

"Why are YOU here, brat?" He turns my own question on me. I don't know anymore. I thought I did, but I'm just not sure anymore. 

"I lost the will to continue" I tell him honestly. 

How's that working for me, he wants to know. Not well, I tell him wryly. I can feel my eyes welling up and I don't want to have a breakdown here, right now, in front of him. 

"This isn't what she'd want for you, you know?" 

Of course I fucking know - she'd wanted me to be a doctor forever but she would've loved me if I drove a van, as long as I was happy. But I'm not happy and I know she must be so disappointed in me but how am I supposed to go back to school when I don't trust doctors and I don't believe in anything anymore? I intended to say none of that and all of that but it's out there now and Levi is silent. He'll leave now - I think. He probably didn't bank on seeing such an emotionally stunted half man. 

"I'm not saying go back to school, but try to find something that makes you happy. Drive a fucking van, you idiot. Don't waste away like this though."

I'm angry at the lecture suddenly. I stand up, pacing my small room. Levi stands up too and he looks so small, I feel like I could snap him in two if I wanted. I get the perverse desire to try - "don't talk about shit you know nothing about. You don't even have a mum, what do you know about losing her anyway?!?" I half shout at him and then I'm on the floor holding my nose as it bleeds. 

"How dare you?" Levi asks and he's seething. 

And the adrenaline that had coursed through me briefly, evaporates. I start to cry and I can't stop and snot and blood and tears all merge as I sit up and lean against the foot of my bed. He settles down next to me and puts his arm awkwardly over my shoulders. The point of contact burns my skin and I turn into him, still crying like I don't remember doing in a really long time.

\--

I move away when the tears dry up, and he's covered in a whole host of bodily fluids and looking at the stain on his t shirt with disdain. "You're disgusting" he tells me. 

"Are you in town for long?" I ask him, resting my head on his shoulder. 

"I'm here for a week."

"Good" I reply, closing my eyes. 

\--

"Eat it, brat. Man can not live off of cereal and soup alone"

I don't need much convincing. I haven't eaten out for over a year - not since I was back at school. My salary doesn't really lend itself to the good life, and frankly I've had no desire to. But Levi insists after checking my cupboards and finding the contents less than satisfactory. We're in a nice kind of place and he ordered for both of us. He says I've lost weight and I think I probably have. I haven't noticed. There are no mirrors in my room and I spend the bare minimum in the bathroom when I go. Levi watches approvingly as I stuff biteful after biteful of ravioli in my mouth. 

I apologise for what I said about his mum and he tells me to shut the fuck up and eat. I don't mind, I'm beginning to feel a little bit alive. I'm also feeling audacious - more so than I've ever been in his presence before. I guess partly it's because I'm older, and also life lessons have probably hardened me a bit, but more than that it's the fact that I really can't deny that Levi cares about me. He's here, for a week, trying to pry me out of the funk I've got into. I ask him questions about his childhood, and I wouldn't exactly call him forthcoming but he is honest and I end up with more knowledge than I was expecting. He tells me about school and university, about Izzy and Farlan. He talks fondly about Dr Zoe (Hangi he calls her) from Maria's and Petra who I think are his closest friends after Farlan. His conversation distinctly lacks mention of his boyfriend and I wonder if maybe they've broken up. I plan on returning to Instagram as soon as I'm back at work. Levi talking about his work with MSF also leads me to rebuild some faith in the field of medicine. 

After lunch we walk through the park and if we were dating, I'd hold his hand - so close to me that it's making my palm itch. When we get to the Chemistry building, I thank him for lunch. He asks what time I get off work, and leaves as soon as I stutter out a breathless 6. Is he going to pick me up? It feels like we were just on a date but I stop that thought before it runs off with me. 

\--

I'm sad as I walk Levi to the train station. This week has helped clear my head a lot and once again I've ended up grateful for Levi but confused at his reasons at the same time. We wait on the platform for his train to pull up and share awkward, stilted goodbyes. 

"I still love you, you know" I tell him. I don't know why, but I just want him to know that. 

"I'm..." he starts,

"With Captain America, I know" I finish for him, my tone bitter.

We fall silent again. 

I turn to walk away, but Levi pulls me back, yanks me down by the collar and kisses me. Our lips press against each other, mouths closed and forceful and it feels all kinds of wrong. I push him away. 

I tell him I don't need his pity, that I'm not going to relapse just because he doesn't return my feelings. 

"Loving you without anything in return is like breathing to me now." I tell him before rushing out of there. 

\--

"I've decided to go back to school"

"That's huge news!" Levi sounds pleased and I can see that rare half smile. I pull my laptop closer. 

"I'm scared though"

"What about?"

"Like what if I've forgotten everything? Or like, I don't know, what if it's too late for me?"

"Shut up, you baffoon - you're going to be fucking great." 

I blush. Did Levi compliment me? He never compliments me. 

"Forget I said that - you're going to suck at it, like you suck at everything else."

"No. Sorry. Too late, no take backsies" I laugh and his little smile never left so I'm basking in the warmth of it still. 

"I might not be able to Skype as much... once school starts..."

"That's okay... school's way more important."

"But I could text you?"

Silence stretches out and I want to repeal the law of no take backsies. 

"I'd like that."

\-- 

I went back to school in the end. It took me a while but eventually I got there. Standing here taking the Hippocratic Oath with my family and friends waiting for me, I feel happy. I feel sad too, but mostly I'm happy. I walk out of the auditorium scanning the crowd for familiar faces and spot them near instantly. I see my dad, dressed to the nines next to Mikasa, who looks beautiful, her hair braided into a crown. Armin is beside her, his arm hooked with her's and next to him stands Levi. He's dressed smart - I think he's wearing a cravat. He looks beautiful and I rejoice at the familiar sensation of my heart squeezing - just like it did when I first saw him twelve years ago. I walk up to my group, grinning broadly. I did it, I tell them. My dad envelops me in a hug and Mikasa thrusts a champagne flute in my hand. We take a bunch of photos and then we go for lunch. It's nice - all my favourite people crowded around me, celebrating my success. I miss Mum like a physical ache but I know she's proud wherever she is. 

\--

While my dad settles the bill, Levi drags me outside. We stand just to the side of the restaurant's entrance and I watch him shift from foot to foot. He seems nervous, and I think it's a cute look on him. I know what's happening. I've been sensing it for some time; for about a year actually. We Skype and we text a lot - have done, ever since he came to my rescue 18 months ago. When he looks up, his eyes are blazing with arrogance and nerves, maybe even a hint of anger. His expression is stubborn, mulish. He looks like the most beautiful person I've ever seen. 

"I love you" he says. 

I grin. "Since when?"

He looks surprised, and a bit confused. His eyes, never more than half open anyway, blow wide. 

"I dunno, Eren" he says, exasperated. "Maybe a while... little bit at a time". 

Like sinking into a hot bath, I think, remembering Mum's words from all those years ago. 

I lace my fingers with his, "I love you too."

\--

**Author's Note:**

> \- GCSEs: exams we do at 16  
> \- A levels: exams we do at 18, normally in 3-4 subjects only. Year 12 is the equivalent of 12th Grade essentially (Years 12 and 13 are A level years)  
> \- Locum work is when doctors get paid to work in random places that are understaffed for short periods of time  
> \- NHS is the National Health Service  
> \- Medical School is 5 years and after 3 years you get an undergraduate degree in something science-y  
> \- 'the City' is London's Wall Street as it were. The financial district.  
> \- Sainsbury's as in a supermarket chain. 
> 
> Hope that's everything.
> 
> P.S. Kudos are nice, but comments are DA BESS


End file.
